thoughts

What has thinking ever done for me?

I've thought myself out of happiness countless times...

but never into it.

The Honorary Title

I love you, and I miss you..

What else is there to say?

No shit.

His facebook status today:

"When it's over, there's no looking over my shoulder."

No shit.

Today must not have been good.

January 24th, must not have ended well.

6:36 p.m.- "I'm ONLY yours baby. For as long as you want."

..........................

10:42 p.m.- "Babyyy :( im so sorry. Please text me when you get up in the morning. I hope you're sleeping good. I love you so much and miss you soooo bad. I can't wait to see you and kiss you. I'm so in love with you."

Clearly, he did something to make me mad. But I'm sure the next morning, I woke up to that text and fell right back into his trap. I had so many chances to get out, but now I'm locked in this. Forever.

He made a facebook recently. It popped up in my newsfeed. "22 of your friends have become friends with......" There it was, his name right in front of me. Of course, he always finds ways right back into my life. It's not fair that I have to see his name, hear his voice, be reminded of him constantly. I swear, he has a radar. I'm on the verge of happiness, so he MUST intervene.

Get me out of here.

rejection

Present day.

I crashed, I talked to him, and he wanted nothing to do with me. This has happened before. We never agree to talk to each other at the same time. Everytime, I knew it wasn't the last. But now, I know it is. It really is over forever.Despite the rejection, and in violation of all the rules, I came back year after year.

Stupid, stupid girl.

To be no part of any body, is to be nothing.

innocence.

It's the first time that I've been here, since I was here with him. I remember all the wildflowers waving in the wind. Life was an undiscovered river; I was jumping in...head first. It was sink or swim, do or die, sneaking out on summer nights. Stealing wine from my pa; the thrill of not getting caught. And now and then, I miss those days. But coming back, to this place, I realize, it ain't him I miss. It's that young girl, wide-eyed, first love, one time, innocence. We ran off to the corn field just outside the county fair. There were butterflies in my stomach, and fireflies in the air. He tried hard not to show it, but he was just as scared, as me. Coming here, has made me come to this...The one thing I can't get back is the one thing I miss. It was breaking rules, flying blind, what you see through younger eyes. It wasn't what I thought it was. Man, I swore he was the one. It's that innocence.

fear.

Again, one year ago from today. Jan 13, 2009.
I had a bad dream the night before, about Conway.
He said at 8:42 AM:
"Damn baby, I wish I was there. Whenever you got scared or had any doubts I could hold you and tell you that everything is going to be alright, and then kiss you. I'd never let you go."

How could someone who once made me feel so safe, be the only thing in my life that scares me to death?